I don't know if I can do this...

As I sit and reflect on my day, the only thought that comes to mind is " do i want to do this the rest of my life?" Do I want to be the girl that has to bring her kids to church all alone because my hubby is working, do I want to be the girl who can't seem to please her MIL. The girl who is all alone in this big strange city! I don't like this! I got an invite today for the holiday party at my new work. It is on a Friday so will B be able to make it, doubtful!

I'm kind of sick of this being all alone shit! and excuse my language but I'm bothered! I was rear-ended last week on my way to my 2nd day of work, and ended up having to go to the ER after work because my back hurt so fricken bad! I couldn't help but thing if it wasn't for B i would be in this stupid town having this happen to me all alone! I hate going to the ER alone. Doctor's visits I can do, but the ER in a new town...sucks..especially when I can't find them damn place.

And...I'm probably going to have to spend Christmas here, with his family, without him. It's not that I don't like his family, its just his traditions are not mine, and he won't even be here! I don't want to spend Christmas with his family, without him.

Anyway work is still going great, I had my first day in the OR today, and it wasn't so bad. I didn't actually run the C-Arm I just observed but still it was okay.

I think after all this stupid crying and feeling sorry for myself, I'm going to go get some ice cream.

but not at the Dairy Queen because THIS STUPID TOWN DOESN'T HAVE A DAIRY QUEEN!!!! EXCUSE ME BUT WHAT THE F! How can a girl survive without a DQ?

Signing Off
a SAd and lonely

4 Thoughts From Readers:

jen said...

i SO remember the feeling starting out as a pilot's wife. it sucks. big time.
and then ... slowly ... it kinda gets ok. you realize that it's good to have that alone time. it's good to have the opportunity to be a stronger woman because you don't always have someone to lean against when it gets crappy. you learn to do so much more by yourself.
and there are still crappy days. but i think of myself as a MUCH stronger woman than i would have been if i was constantly leaning on him for all the little things.
and i think he realizes that too. he is becoming more and more able to see how much i put in on a regular old day ... and i think he appreciates me just that much more.
this life isn't for everyone. but for those of us that are strong enough to live it? it has it's positives too. but on sucky days it's always harder to see those.
good luck, darling! i know you'll make it through.

Nicole said...

It really is tough sometimes. Even when you fall into a routine, sometimes the despair and loneliness hit you like a Mack truck. It may seem awkward with the future in-laws, but you're lucky to have the support close by. The first year of my husband being away most of the time, I lived 5 minutes from my in-laws. They were a real blessing...and it was nice to not have to sit alone at church. For those times you're lonely, feel free to lean on your fellow sister wives/gfs. We feel your pain.

Alexa said...

It is not an easy life we lead. I moved to Houston, 1300 miles away from any family. We have been here almost 6 years now and it has really become our home. It was difficult the first couple of years, especially on holidays, but you learn to be independent when you have to, and yes, you even sometimes crave that alone time. Now we have a 19 month old son and he is an amazing new addition to our family and we are creating our own traditions at the holidays, so don't be afriad to start your own new traditions. You, your hubby and your future children will love it!

The Pilot's Wife said...

Ahh, being married to a pilot has many challenges. Being alone is something that comes with the territory, and its hard. But, what I've learned is that whether married to a pilot or not, marriage is hard work. Being married to a pilot, You will be doing alot of things alone. You will learn to change a tire, call triple AAA, and fix your own air conditioner.
But, I must admit, I am the woman I am today because of my marriage.If I knew then, what I know now, I would have chosen the same path.But, you need to make a decision with your eyes wide open, because Flying is in them,and you will learn that to love this man, you must learn to love the career.
I applaud you for really deciding if this is something you can live with, it takes courage to look beyond the wedding plans, and to look at what the actual marriage will be.